ArishaSan on Xanga

Saturday, 05 May 2012

Well, I haven't been on here for a long time. Probably a fairly good sign.
For the next couple months I'm pretty much anticipating this shitty writing area to be all that I have. I'm in too dark of a place, I don't want to be around anyone. Every thing I do is forced, including time spent with anyone. Friends and family, I avoid them. My boyfriend I spend all of my time with when I'm not sleeping, other simple routine things and working. Even there, I feel like I desperately want to be around him but because I'm clinging to him. He's really all I've left in my life. Clinging to him is like clinging to life, but it's wrong. It's not only not solving the problem for me, it's damaging to him I think. No matter how much of a damage the past has done to me, I can't even get angry. This is all I have left and deep down I know it so I still force myself to spend every last spare second with him. He's the only thing in the world that I love or feel anything but annoyance or dislike for. If I lose him, I'm empty. But I want to be alone. I want to be buried. I want to be quiet. I want to be deaf and ignorant of absolutely everything.
I don't know how this happened again. The only other time I felt this way was when I was back at Gateway, right before that October. I felt like I was drowning, just like I do now. All I want to do is sleep. I want this all to stop. Just like then, I feel like I am absolutely sure what will happen if I don't get help, but I feel angry for even wanting it. I shouldn't want help. I really shouldn't need it. I know part of what's wrong and part of what's tearing me apart, but what can I do to fix it? What can I do to stop my mind, thoughts and dreams? What can I do to stop other people? Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
Maybe I'll just wait. If I need to take action before help, fine. I'm better off silenced forever than feeling dead and helpless in a living body. I can't do this. I knew my limits then, they haven't changed. I'm there. I'm too far down, I'm too old now, there's no way out of the trap inside. It's too late.

Monday, 17 October 2011

I'm a terrible person.
i really, honestly hate myself. I want everyone to just leave me alone. I want to stop talking to everyone. I want everyone to hate me so then I can just be totally alone, whether i really want to be or not.
I don't want to be alive.I feel like there's something in front of my eyes, shielding reality. I felt this way before, I first recognized it when I was 16..right around this exact day, 4 years ago. I started writing about it a lot; i named it the Black Veil, which is dumb but no one would have any idea how accurate it feels. i guess gray is more fitting than black at this point. i was so angry then. Mostly because of Chris and my mom telling me that I was "evil." "Only someone evil is going to starve themselves, make themselves throw up, take boxes of pills and cut their own body. You don't even look the same." Yelling at me because she thought Chris raped me. what the fuck. He was an asshole, he'd say things that were inappropriate for a 22 year old to be saying to a 15 year old girl and no one stood up for me- that's why i was angry. And he was just like my dad. It was the same thing all over again. THAT is why i was angry. i started telling myself everything that he would tell me. Thank god i don't anymore, but I still feel like he was right sometimes. I look at the things I've done, simple,normal things, and I feel like a horrible person.He told me that's how I would be, and he was right, wasn't he?
But basically, I've always associated everything with colors(or in this case, lack thereof). Anger is black, gray is sadness.babble.

I just can't stand who I am. I wake up and see daylight and my heart sinks. Depending on confidence level, I might be ecstatic one day; the next, I gain a pound. Oh dear god the world is going to end. for the next week or two, that's how I feel. not because I'm obsessed with the number anymore; I don't start obsessively planning out a fast afterward anymore, I don't even really give it much thought. It's like already being in a bad mood(though i'm not) and something little like a pet peeve just puts you in a crappier mood..only for the rest of the week.
the only thing that makes me feel better is feeling better about myself. Then I'm in a good mood for a little bit again.anyway I'm wasting time .

Thursday, 29 September 2011

everything
is shutting
down.

Sunday, 21 August 2011

How did your first kiss go?
It was...awkward. I wasn't ready for it and didn't really want to yet.I'm weird with kissing.All the guys I kissed just went for it,except Mike pretty much..which is why I'm with him =P

What type of mood are you in right now?
I'm sad and confused but what's new?

Have you ever gone out in public in the same clothes you've worn to bed?
No.
What could you go for right this second?
A hug.And gummy bears .

What are your plans for the morning?
Go to Bucks or Mike's.

Have you ever looked at gay porn?
lesbian.lol that's the only pr0n I'll watch.One reason: no dicks=hardly any violence/disrespect/humiliation. If there's a guy involved,something that's going to appaul me is likely to occur,which..is going to ruin the reason I'm watching pr0n in the first place,no?
Do you think Marilyn Monroe was really all that beautiful?
No actually.
Do you ever turn off your cellphone?
no

Do you like certain romantic cliches?
such...as?

Where is your best friend at this exact moment?
Work

Do you have an ceiling fan located in your room?
no

Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex?
no

What is the worst thing that has happened to you today?
Meh.I forgot to hide something.

What color is your car?
Green

What sounds are you currently hearing?
Rain/NCIS

Have you kissed anyone in the past month?
My boyfriend

What was the last thing that left you very angry?
Last night,but I was more sad.
Do you have an older and wiser friend you go to for advice?
I used to..
Have you questioned any people that are in your life lately?
Yeah
What is one feeling that you wish would go away right now?
Over-worrying.
Do you currently feel bad for any reason?
Yes
What will you be doing tomorrow at 3pm?
Probably be at Mike's
Who was the last person you had to break up with?
Uh..I only ever broke up with Mike. =\
When was the last time you gave a heartfelt apology to someone?
Last night..well,at least it was kind of an apology.
If you can't sleep at night, what thought is keeping you awake?
It changes..

Do you have this one person that is on your mind constantly?
Sure
What was the last thing you thought about over and over?

ehhhh

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

I Can Make One of those Category Bolding Things, Too
Bold if it's something we have in common.
[made by @pinkmooncrystal - please keep the tag]

Things About Me that are Common
| My eyes are brown | My natural hair color is brown | My ear lobes are not attached | I prefer English classes to math ones | My hair is between straight and wavy | The first time I had sex was in the month of June | My blood type is O+[that is NOT common!] | Some areas of my skin are oily and some are dry | I have German ancestry | My name is found in the Bible/Torah/Quran, or a slight variation of a name in it | I am a cashier |

Things About Me that are Less Common
| I have flat feet | I do not like cats | I am introverted[that's fairly common lol] | I am a morning person | I have olive skin | I do not burn in the sun | My hair can withstand lots of bleach, toner, dye, etc., in a month's time without being damaged | I reached sexual maturation 2+ years earlier than average | I am a bit shorter than average | I don't find "The Hangover" series funny | I do not have a Facebook |

Music I Like
| Against Me! | Tegan and Sara | Hole | The Tellers | Camera Obscura | David Bowie | Go Sailor | Char2d2 | Janelle Monae | Tigers Jaw | Camera Obscura | 2NE1 | Tom Waits | Manchester Orchestra | Beck |

Some Things that Sound Fun to Me
| Going berry/apple picking | Catching fireflies in a jar | Floating in the water in a tube | Playing word games | ~~Volunteering~~ at a children's library | Taking a cooking class | ~~Sleeping in a tent~~ | Watching bad movies on purpose | Collecting stuffed animals | Tacky tourist shops | Nature walks | Going to hear an author speak/read |

Some Things that Sound Awful to Me
| Tumblr meetups | ~~A crowded concert~~ | Actually swimming in water | School dances | Being in the audience of Maury | Driving for a long period of time | Spending the day sleeping | Bar hopping | ~~Tailgating~~ | Taking care of a cat | Running a marathon

Components of my Dream Home
| Glossy, dark, wood floor | Big windows | A huge shower | Round top front door | Brown brick exterior | Fence and gate around the yard (I don't know how to phrase it, hah) | A sun room | Not very big | Window boxes full of flowers | Set very far back on a lot | ~~Surrounded by trees~~ | Tree house |

Names I Find Suitable for a Dog
| Aslan | Bowie | Pupcake | Cthulhu | Lady | Jingles | Gulliver | Baxter | McGruff | Zelda | Peaches | Ewok | Artemis | Rocco | Bruno | Peanut |

[made by @pinkmooncrystal - please keep the tag